Archive for the ‘I A Y T E W B OK’ Category

Post Script

Friday, August 6th, 2010

Wanting a fitting climax to this chapter, he felt he had little alternative but to revisit the place where the chapter itself began.

A year and a week after the first trip, it was back to the seaside town that they forgot to shut down, where every day is like sunday. Morecambe always held a special place in his heart, for no real reason other than nostalgia and his childhood – but since August 2009, it also meant this.

Twelve months on, predicitions recorded, similarities noted, and resonances documented, it was time to see what the next twelve months on had in store. It had, for him, been a year of change – much had happened, most of which had been predicted, but was this a self-fulfilling prophecy? Or, as several observers had suggested, just a coincidence? Or, most intriguingly, was this a case of another fortune cookie (opened last September) being proved right?

Whatever the reasoning behind it, in a way he wanted closure, and as before, wanted to anticipate future events. Sceptics or psychics can probably predict the outcome, but this is what happened next.

Morecambe, 1st August 2010, 3.30pm

On the way they saw this guy.


He had decided to get dressed up for the occasion. He didn’t want her to remember him, and this was a different project now. Someone once suggested going for a fortune telling in disguise – this was as good as, his ‘new eyes’ being hidden by glasses, once again he was taking on a different persona.

The waiting room was different. He noticed new pictures: perhaps they’d had a re-decoration. Certainly, he hadn’t seen the photo before, the one with about fifty members of a family on, presumably at some funeral, judging by the solemn faces and the bouquets of sad-looking flowers. He looked closer, and recognised at least three of the women. They had all read his palm last summer – he knew most of them were related, but always presumed the first reading had been unique.

Maybe that explained the initial links.

He also noticed a new sign above the exit – one that read

EUROPEAN LAW STATES THAT PALM READINGS MUST BE SEEN AS A FORM OF ENTERTAINMENT

The curtain opened and there she was, showing out a girl – Lisa – who had been having her tarots read. She explained the family photo to the girl, who reckoned they were related in some way, as her grandfather’s cousin shared a name with the dead mother-in-law being mourned.

In he went.

He made the wish on the crystal ball – last year’s had come true, after all – and then they got down to business.

“These are very creative hands, very creative. You must put them to good use, and take care of them.”

Oh no, he thought, she must have read Jonathan’s blog, followed the project. After all, she had confused things with Lisa’s reading too – this one was good!

Disappointingly, or interestingly, however, pretty much the same script followed.

“You’ve been pig-headed and stubborn, you’ve made mistakes, but you don’t need to worry so much over the next year. You’ve got a long life line, you won’t be a burden, you’ve got good health, the odd trip to the doctor’s for medicines but that’s all. And your love line’s strong – you’re surrounded by very caring people who think a lot of you.”

The next part unsettled him a little.

“You bear the marriage line, and the widow’s line – which means you’ll be on your own, might be for a day, a week, or longer. I see an even number of children, and I see feathering, were you ill early on in your life?” He had been as a youngster.

Then, back to normal. he went on to mention the bottle or glass again. He knew who she means. The two-faced person too, he can identify this individual too now, nothing to worry about she said, “just a nuisance, that’s all, won’t cause harm to you or your family”.

“I see sugar in your palm… a birth, death and a marriage over the next eighteen months, the death will be someone over 75, not a surprise, you’ll have a good time at the wedding (he already had done the day before) I see travel but happy travel, holidays and that. I see changes at work, things will be more settled this year, and at home, are you looking to move?”

Did he have any questions, she asked. He was too busy trying to weigh up the accuracy of these prophecies, asking himself if this was to be a new chapter after all, or just a reprint. History couldn’t be about to repeat itself, surely?

He bought three lucky charms. A boxing glove, a fish, and an elf. These were very lucky, she said, he must look after them.

She took the money and bade him farewell, asked him to return and said he “should have the cards next time.”

That should be the end of the story, but unbeknownst to him, whilst he was inside, his accomplice had had an interesting encounter of her own. Looking at the ephemera in the window she was approached by an old woman in the beer garden next door.

Don’t waste your money!” she shouted. “She doesn’t know what she’s talking about. I went to see her, she said I won’t be a burden.”

“Won’t be a burden, pah! I’ve got terminal cancer.”

Then, he got home, lucky charms still in his pocket, and his goldfish had died.

And so it begins again.

January

Thursday, February 4th, 2010
Following New York, a new year, a new me?
 
 
Still in a post-engagement bliss (lest we forget that, during this month, not only did my second-cousin-once removed Russell Brand propose to Katy Perry, but Lise was bizarrely likened to newly-engaged Katie Price – I know – who starred on Alan Carr’s chat show, to whom I myself was likened the very same day), the year got off to a surreal start with all that snow, and a few extra days off. A real god send, fateful almost, allowing as it did some quality time on a neglected assignment, walks in the snow, drinks in the pub, and preparation for a fancy dress party.
 
Growing up I had always wanted to be Sylvester Stallone. Well, more specifically, Rocky Balboa.
 
A Seventies fancy dress party offered the chance to become my hero for the night, and even better, with Adrian Pennino and Butkus (http://www.imdb.com/name/nm1331332/ ) by my side. We recreated the ice skating date, apt given the frightful weather outside, but even more appropriate when I realised that Sly and I had, in recent years, exchanged roles actually, given that he has become an Evertonian and a painter of some repute. Here we are at the party, Butkus is whispering to me the proposed plot for ROCKY 7, in which our pugilistic pioneer even becomes a teacher!
 
 
All the while I had become embroiled in the ultimately disappointing Africa Cup of Nations. I have written elsewhere, my reasons for supporting Algeria ( see http://www.englishfootballpost.com/news/2010/01/28/the-desert-foxes-on-our-boxes/ for a full explanation, but more will come on here soon), however, the next interesting example of synchronicity came when I gained a role on ITV’s fascinating new show, Soapstar to Superstar, when I even got to meet the woman of my dreams about ten years ago, Myleene Klass. And the very next day I was at a workshop, unbeknownst to me until arrival, led by an artist whom I cooked for two years ago. She has even recently been researching tarot cards.
 

This weekend was rounded off with a trip to Manchester – by chance we sat on the train carriage’s seats 27 & 28, our dates of birth – to the Strictly Come Dancing live show (long story) where another lookalike – Mark Ramprakash? – won the competition.

And that evening, an interesting twist in the elaborate eviction / escape process of Celebrity Big Brother involved the housemates’ opening of fortune cookies, each of which told that individual’s fate. The rest of the month buzzed by in a blur, with the only remaining stories of note worth telling involving my best mate’s finding of a flat having moved to Australia and a quirky landlord coincidence; my finding of a watchmaker named Jonathan Greenbank; my subsequent discovery that in Kent there’s an immigration officer called Jon Greenbank who made the news for deporting four members of staff in a Chinese restaurant there; and my meeting an artist who had created a work nine years ago whose title had stuck in my mind ever since:

“AS IF IN A DREAM, DREAMT BY ANOTHER”

I was overjoyed to be able to discuss the title with him, relating as it did to stories of… immigration. Moreover, its coming from a John Berger book about refugees encouraged the notion that many immigrants felt – that someone else was controlling their weird life. This I believed, was almost a replica of what I have been living through aswell, that is, should they so decide, others can switch off this fantastic adventure whenever they choose.

It is now six months since my initial visits to the fortune tellers, so next month seems an appropriate time to assess exactly what evidence we have of the predictions having come true – as you will have read, many have for me, with only three seeming to remain outstanding:

The L Plates… as I continue to avoid the contemplation of driving, a friend just passed his theory… but could this mean hen / stag nights?
 
The twins / three children, one a gifted musician etc… One thing at a time, thank you!

The dying of something like a heart attack in my nineties… a long way to go, yet.

However, I am intrigued to discover if any of these have resonance with your lives in any way: if so, please let me know by e-mail (theartist@jonathangreenbank.com) or discussion on the forum.

The last day of the month I felt terribly ill after a Bourdain-inspired Lapin aux Olives. As I lay in bed, somewhere, a new facebook campaign was being conjured up. Doppelganger week, in which everyone involved was to use a lookalike of themselves as their profile photo.

These two apparently used one of me… Oh, the irony… and notice they must have met at some fundraiser for diabetes (remember the fortune tellers’ tales) organised by Specsavers.
 
Anyway. Happy Valentine’s. And heartfelt thanks, as always.
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

 

December (the third of three)

Thursday, January 7th, 2010

 

 

So, we descended the Empire State and began planning the wedding. No date or definite plans as yet, however here’s a sneak preview if you’re interested… http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=w0ChbqaTIs8

 

Then a hot dog for breakfast, before a horse and carriage ride around a snowy Central Park. Our horse’s name?

 

Chance.

 

 

horse!

horse!

 

 

 

Following Christmas lunch at a McDonald’s, and buying a Barack Obama woolly hat, we decided to visit the Central Park Zoo to share our good news with the animals, a la Rocky and Adrian…

 

Jon and Lise share the good news with the animals at the zoo

Jon and Lise share the good news with the animals at the zoo

 

A walk through the park followed, reading the bench plaques as we went towards Strawberry Fields and the Dakota but more importantly the San Remo, where Sigourney Weaver’s apartment was in Ghostbusters, plus some streets full of Brownstones that also looked strangely familiar. The rest of the day included a few celebratory drinks, a visit to Madison Square Garden, and a cracking Chinese meal including… you guessed it, fortune cookies.

 

Boxing Day, still no bags, and off we went to the Statue of Liberty – a dream come true for me. Especially wearing the foam crown. Ellis Island was also an incredible experience, I searched for my forefathers on the database to be avail, but the coincidence to beat all coincidences came on the boat back, as we boarded ‘Miss Liberty’ with the real Miss Liberty in the background.

 

look closely

look closely...

 

The World Trade Centre was a surreal experience – not because of the eerie life losses or rebuilding taking place, but because we saw the same French couple that had been sat next to us in the McDonald’s and stood by us at Liberty Island.

 

French couple (she looked a bit like Grotbags)

French couple (she looked a bit like Grotbags)

The rest of that evening was simply brilliant, we got soaked on Wall Street, had ten beers at the Heartland Brewery at South Street Seaport, and the most perfect meal at Les Halles, the Brasserie owned by one of my heroes, Anthony Bourdain. The steak tartare, made tableside, was especially good.

 

Then, we returned to the hotel to find a bottle of champagne had been sent by our families, plus one of our bags had finally been delivered. Although, a couple of things, including two of Lisa’s Christmas presents, had been stolen. Unbeknownst to me, William (http://www.jonathangreenbank.com/archives/57) had been employed as a baggage handler at Heathrow.

 

Our final full day took us uptown on a bus tour to Harlem, Bloomingdale’s, and Serendipity – although it wasn’t meant to be, the three hour wait put paid to our lunch plans, instead heading for Katz’s Deli which unfortunately is best known for the scene from When Harry Met Sally (please don’t think that Meg Ryan was omnipresent on this trip) when instead it should be best known for its amazing sandwiches and the overall experience of eating there.

 

Walking through Little Italy, then Chinatown, I found a business card for the Good Luck Car Service and we walked the Brooklyn Bridge as the sun was setting and everything was right with the world. We even found the Ghostbusters headquarters – now a fire station – before arriving at the Spotted Pig, a wonderful gastropub serving offal and fine ales, owned by Jay-Z amongst others. There we were served by a lookalike of my old flat mate Doug.

 

Still, the best was yet to come.

 

After hours of searching, Lise found the ring of her dreams at a jewellers in the Diamond District, next to the exact phone box from which we’d rung our parents three days earlier to share the news. Eddie made the ring, Seymour cleaned it, and I sang Beatles songs with Reginald Dollar, the coolest Coolio impersonator you’ll ever meet. He tried to sell me a wedding suit before divulging the details of his lawsuit against WalMart.

 

Hey Eddie! I got a ring needs fixin'

Hey Eddie! I got a ring needs fixin'

 

 

You had to be there.

 

But we weren’t for much longer. With a heavy heart, and a missing holdall, we returned to JFK, to be upgraded and be offered $100 compensation. On the plane back I watched Julie and Julia, a great reflection of what it’s like to write a blog you think nobody reads, and upon return the second bag turned up – with more stuff missing out of it, therefore BA are currently dealing with our complaint.

 

Jetlagged for the remainder of the month, enough of the Fortune Tellers’ tales had proven true – seeing an engagement ring on my hand around thirty; crossing the water and having a good time; coming into money, and getting good news on December 17th.

 

New Year’s Eve brought with it an entirely new chapter…